up

It's 1:30 in the morning. I went to bed quite early, I guess at around 10, maybe earlier. I then woke up again just after 11. I just wish the bouts of insomnia would stop and stop for good. I don't much like taking pills, but sometimes survival would be impossible without them. At least I can take some comfort from the fact that the pills work these days, the new medicines are really superior to the old, pharmacy has evolved. There's really nothing else that reins in the demons the way that Avanza does. Nothing I know of anyway.

I don't think the not sleeping thing is just a psych problem. I guess there is something wrong with my heart, but whether that's caused by the insomnia or the cause of the insomnia may be a bit of a chicken and egg story. When I lie in bed unable to sleep, sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to explode.

It annoys me that human beings never learn, but then I have to realise that I never learn either. I've never learnt that lying there in bed for hour after hour is not the answer to my sleep problems. When I can't sleep I need to get up and do something. Not an hour or six later but immediately. I don't know if I'll ever figure that one out. Just the thought of getting out of bed brings on a dread feeling, as if the whole world is going to crush my shoulders. That's how it is most of the time anyway. How did I manage to get out of bed this time? I got up eventually because nature called, then I noticed all the roaches scurrying under the kitchen bin. I decided to chuck out the garbage and wash the bin. Those roaches, they're supposed to be gone now. I bought this expensive powder at the hardware store that's supposed to be the roach killer of roach killers, industrial strength, university tested etc. At least it's got them out of my cupboards but it doesn't stop them from scurrying about near the bins and the sink. In an old building like this they'll come from downstairs or next door or somewhere, there's simply no way of getting rid of them and that's the end of it. Then I went back to bed again, but still I felt like the heart was going to explode, so I did a couple of yoga exercises. One I remember from years and years ago, when I was sixteen and I did a little yoga course, a position that, if held, is supposed to relieve depression. I don't know if it did that, but at least I felt motivated enough to get up off the mattress and to the desk.

What should I do? I'm thinking maybe I'll just keep typing until tiredness washes over me irresistably. So excuse me if I ramble. My biggest fear, when I lie there and contemplate the walls and ceiling, is that I'll get to the computer and then I'll stare at the screen and discover that actually I've got nothing in me to type. If I come to the computer and can't work I'll be sure to start surfing around the smut sites. Too much of that will cause guilt and then more insomnia. It's a heck of a thing, what a bout of manic depression can do to the libido. Completely out of control, all bets off. It burns, but then it crashes, and then all motivation of any kind simply evaporates, causing the descent from mania to depression. The pills really put a dampner on that side of things too. They're like the opposite of viagra, those psych pills. Actually, it's a bit of a relief to have a break from the usual stream of libidinous thoughts. Enough anyway. I'm starting to stare into space now and I'm sure you are completely bored with reading about me going on about me and all my crap.