Lying in bed at night tossing and turning, one does not feel like one is realising one's potential.

Yeah alright I was only kidding about blowing my fucking head off. Anyway, getting a gun in this town would require far better connections to the underworld than what I have. Maybe the prospect of a childless future isn't so bad anyway....no little brats to suck up all the money, force me out of my flat into something larger I can't afford, in a neighbourhood I don't want to live in. The stress of worry about the little brat, or brats, causing themselves or others all manner of injury. The expense of child support in the likely event that whoever mothers the child ends up divorcing me, or me her.

The revelation just came to me. I'm too old now to really waste time. I better not wait to long to have a kid, to get published, to do the things that I really wanted to do. I've felt like a lot of life has slipped past me while I've been watching from the sidelines. Those who really know me, you know why it's not that easy for me to participate. You know why I need to stand back, keep my distance. But you know it's hard not to feel that everything is pretty well hopeless and I might as well just blow my fucking head off. I mean really, what else is there to do?

Pagans of the world unite!

Can't believe it I actually did something today. Actually wrote two whole pages! Woohoo! I suppose it had to come out, sooner or later, after all that depression and inactivity, all those hours wasted just being a total masturbator, all that time that's gone down the plughole, never to be recovered.

Who's crazy or sane? Who deserves to be free or imprisoned? Who's better than you or me? Who will get redeemed or damned? Who's broken or whole?

Why is it that on those days when you do practically nothing you can still end up feeling exhausted? Where's the inspiration?

Saturday night was mardi gras in Sydney. That's the big gay pride day in this town. There's a huge parade, watched by a crowd that always numbers in the hundreds of thousands. At least half of the viewers in the crowd are young, straight people who probably don't have one single gay friend and don't really know anything about the people or the lifestyle or the politics. But even so, it does feel like a night of unity, when unimaginable things become possible. I watched the show then went and drank in a bar on Oxford Street until 3 in the morning.

Friday morning I got up nice and early, at 5 o'clock. It was still dark when I left the house at 5.40 to get the bus. I caught the first bus out to Coogee and as we headed out to the beach, the light slowly started to break on the horizon. Once there at the beach, the sun was beginning to rise over the sea. The water was warm, as you would expect at this time of the year. Joggers were making their way up and down the sand. As I paddled along and looked at the rocks I thought to myself "This is what life is really like."