It could be said that there is an empirical relationship between consumption of alcohol and pornography and onset of insomnia. It could be said that living in denial of death is a prerequisite for being a well-adjusted human being. It could be said that maladjustment is a fairly common state of affairs.

The dream is always the same. Somehow you end up high up somewhere, maybe a mountaintop, maybe a tall building or just a ledge that's a bit too high for comfort. Then the conditions change and you're no longer in control of the situation. You find yourself hanging off the edge of the building, stuck in an impassable crevasse, swinging from the ledge. Pretty soon you have no choice but to jump, or fall, but that's no choice at all. Just at the critical moment you regain consciousness and you start searching for the metaphor.

anyway you don't have to be elated about everything all the time i mean what if you think there is no alternative other than blasting your brains out against the wall what if there seems to be no fucking point to any fucking thing whatsoever and why should you bother about anything i mean what about that i get really really really sick and tired of people telling me what i should do like its any of their business anyway i really couldn't care at all i mean all i really want to do is just curl up into a small ball and forget about everything and what in gawds name is wrong with that i see no reason why anyone should have a problem with it actually what is the point of achievement and striving constantly and status and money and everything please explain it to me because i just dont understand
ha ha try to go on but its hard to go on with the cooking cooking and nature calling and and anyway someone said i heard them say what is the point of living if you cant have a family what a funny old question i mean ive survived 36 years without one and im still here thank you all very much ive got all i need i can pay my rent and my bills and feed myself and ive got entertainment and a bit of stimulation and a few of lifes little pleasures like getting up early on saturday morning and going out for coffee and reading the papers but that tends to clog the brain i wonder if everything they throw at us isnt designed to clog our brains up with gum like we are opiated or what
anyway you tell me what the problem is coz i cant figure it out jack i mean i think im ok i think everything is just fine and dandy why would i feel sad just because everything looks like its made of plastic and nothing seems real anymore but there are just a few points of light just a few little shafts here there and maybe just beyond what you cant see lets just see whats what

what? a riot?

Violence comes to town and one feels obliged to say something about it, but let's face it, to the average inner-west resident, Cronulla is another world away, and thank gawd for that. What everyone feels though is a sense of general unease whoever, and wherever you are in this country. People either feel threatened by the police or by those who are fighting the police, by the "terrorists" or by the "law enforcers". Everyone feels obliged to take sides one way or another. Left and right are pushed deeper into their respective corners, with little chance of anyone finding any common ground.

Should I be amazed that the only time Australia features in the news is when something dastardly happens? I suppose not. The fact is that Australia is pretty damn quiet and tame most of the time. When commentators say that the yobs who start trouble represent a small minority, I guess they must be right. Most people here are pretty quiet and well-educated and softly spoken. But it doesn't take much to blemish your image. And I was hoping to get to the beach this weekend........

more please

Well I have to say it gets to me sometimes that certain people have been out of reach so long. Need I say who you are? I guess you should know anyway. There's the person I haven't seen for a couple of years who's in London. The other one who is in Brisbane and I haven't seen in a year now, and won't be able to see at Christmas. And there's that other intransigent geezer in Paris who just refuses to come back to the country that gave him a pretty rosy cosy upbringing. Don't know why he complains about this joint so much really, apart from the fact that it's just rooted a lot of the time. As if France is all roses....

Anyway, the point is I miss you buggers and I wish at least one of us would get their act together and get moving.

The party went pretty well. Everything was all lit up with candles, it was cosy. So much work to put a thing like that on, I can tell ya. Was it worth it? Yeah what the hell. It was worth it to get up in the morning to a riot of glasses, empty spirit bottles and uneaten food. If nothing else it was worth it for that bit of variety to break up the usual monotony.

margarita meditation

ehem

Sorry to my fans, all three of you, that I haven't posted anything of late. It's been a busy week, preparing for the party tomorrow. Yep that's right folks, cocktails and dreams comin' right up at my dump. Got the place lookin' real nice too, scrubbed to within inches of its life. Anyway, was just tossing and turning there in the bed, thinking about all the things that might happen, you know how it is? You put so much effort in and then any damn thing can happen. Parties are always a source of endless anxiety, as I've hada few that have flopped abysmally, but one or two that also really, really went off. I don't expect that tomorrow's will be in the latter category, and that doesn't matter actually. This place is small enough and atmospheric enough that half a dozen people here with the candles going and the music and booze flowing makes for a fine, fine time.

So what else is new? I'm supposed to be starting a graduate diploma next year in ESL. D-day is approaching, enrolments close January 31. Not wildly keen on it, truth be told. After twelve years of teaching I just wonder what else I could possibly discover about teaching. We'll see, won't we?

Alright off to beddy byes and see if I can't sleep. If there's more you know the sleeping thing didn't quite work out.

word

Have a look at the November archive down the left. Lots of old stuff that dropped off is back on, just like magic. If you missed anything last month, there are some rather nice pics of the sculptures by the see. Or I think they're alright anyway.

up

It's 1:30 in the morning. I went to bed quite early, I guess at around 10, maybe earlier. I then woke up again just after 11. I just wish the bouts of insomnia would stop and stop for good. I don't much like taking pills, but sometimes survival would be impossible without them. At least I can take some comfort from the fact that the pills work these days, the new medicines are really superior to the old, pharmacy has evolved. There's really nothing else that reins in the demons the way that Avanza does. Nothing I know of anyway.

I don't think the not sleeping thing is just a psych problem. I guess there is something wrong with my heart, but whether that's caused by the insomnia or the cause of the insomnia may be a bit of a chicken and egg story. When I lie in bed unable to sleep, sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to explode.

It annoys me that human beings never learn, but then I have to realise that I never learn either. I've never learnt that lying there in bed for hour after hour is not the answer to my sleep problems. When I can't sleep I need to get up and do something. Not an hour or six later but immediately. I don't know if I'll ever figure that one out. Just the thought of getting out of bed brings on a dread feeling, as if the whole world is going to crush my shoulders. That's how it is most of the time anyway. How did I manage to get out of bed this time? I got up eventually because nature called, then I noticed all the roaches scurrying under the kitchen bin. I decided to chuck out the garbage and wash the bin. Those roaches, they're supposed to be gone now. I bought this expensive powder at the hardware store that's supposed to be the roach killer of roach killers, industrial strength, university tested etc. At least it's got them out of my cupboards but it doesn't stop them from scurrying about near the bins and the sink. In an old building like this they'll come from downstairs or next door or somewhere, there's simply no way of getting rid of them and that's the end of it. Then I went back to bed again, but still I felt like the heart was going to explode, so I did a couple of yoga exercises. One I remember from years and years ago, when I was sixteen and I did a little yoga course, a position that, if held, is supposed to relieve depression. I don't know if it did that, but at least I felt motivated enough to get up off the mattress and to the desk.

What should I do? I'm thinking maybe I'll just keep typing until tiredness washes over me irresistably. So excuse me if I ramble. My biggest fear, when I lie there and contemplate the walls and ceiling, is that I'll get to the computer and then I'll stare at the screen and discover that actually I've got nothing in me to type. If I come to the computer and can't work I'll be sure to start surfing around the smut sites. Too much of that will cause guilt and then more insomnia. It's a heck of a thing, what a bout of manic depression can do to the libido. Completely out of control, all bets off. It burns, but then it crashes, and then all motivation of any kind simply evaporates, causing the descent from mania to depression. The pills really put a dampner on that side of things too. They're like the opposite of viagra, those psych pills. Actually, it's a bit of a relief to have a break from the usual stream of libidinous thoughts. Enough anyway. I'm starting to stare into space now and I'm sure you are completely bored with reading about me going on about me and all my crap.